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Chapter 87
I've been told that writing a letter to your past self is a good way to find closure to things which bother you. Particularly certain past events that are hard to forget about.
I'll be honest. I don't know what this is supposed to accomplish. Maybe it will make more sense when I'm actually doing it.
OK. Here it goes.
Dear Brace the Pidgey,
I am writing this from the future to warn you
Maybe warning isn't the right word.
I am writing this from the future to help prepare you for an experience that you will soon
experience.
In the highly unlikely case I someday meet Celebi and convince him/her/it to take this letter back in time and give it to you, I want you to do a better job of handling this series of events than I did. I want you to avoid some of the more egregious mistakes I made. Know the knowledge required to make better decisions. Can you do that for me? I know you can.
I know you are only a
I don't know how far back this letter is going. Are you already on Team Ember? Do I go back to the Silverwing days? Before or After I met Otto? Or Do I leave this by your egg?
That's definitely something I'm going to need to specify to Celebi. When I meed them. I meen, meat them. Meet them. Gahh, these talons.!
Let's be honest. I'm never going to meet Celebi and this isn't even going to happen. But for the sake of argument let's say it does. Let's say I'm actually going to meet Celeib. Whether or not it dofes happen. Because I'm not actually writing gthis letter for you. I'm writing it for me.
Let's pretend I'm going to tell Celebi to take this letter back in time to three days before you met Otto. That seems like a pivotal moment before my life swerved in a direction I didn't expect.
So
I know you are only a young and naive little Pidgey who is concerned bwith nothing but passing his fourth flock exam. The hard one. To finally become viable to join a real team. It's exciting isn't it? The thought of being useful to someone. Stretching your wings and doing jobs that matter and aren't just there for training.
Well what if I told you that you're going to be very useful to a very special bird. A very special bird you are about t o meet in three days.
You will firfst notice them
THESE STUPID TALONS.
I need to write more slowly. That's one thing I've learned from all this. Start slow. You will make less mistakes. You only need to give your feral bird a chance to catch up with your mind. Otherwise Lugia only knows that the one letter specially chosen to be sent back in time will be riddled with shameful m istakes.
Go more slowly = less mistakes.
Anyway
You will first notice him taking a bath in the third tier lobby. This might strike you as odd, because the third wing is supposed to be in session. But this little bird does not seem to care that he's skipping out on his flock. You might think to go and ask him why he isn't in class. But you will ultimately give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they have special permission, you'll think. Or maybe you're just a little weirded out and don't want to get involved.
But you won't think anything of it until five days later when you find out they're getting added to your wing. You will recognize him as the same bird. You will stand next to him at the end of the line during morning meetings.
You will be weirded out by this bird massively the more time you spend with him. You will notice that he doesn't make eye contact right. You will notice a weird feral gleam in his eye. Like he's not actually a civil. As though a wild bird somehow made it into the base and nobody noticed.
You will notice how this bird seems to act with no regard for his flockmates. How he flies away when class is supposed to be in session. How he takes everyone else's food and doesn't apologize for it.
You may notice how this bird pretends the rest of his flock isn't there during training, how he flies ahead of everyone. You will also notice that he's oddly violent. You will notice that during dogfights he doesn't pull back his attacks. He attacks which actual intent to harm his flockmates.
Most of all, you will notice how he rarely ever says anything.
But listen. Pay close attention to this bird. It's important. Trust me.
Because when this bird gets in huge trouble for attacking a teacher, you will be the only one who approaches him. And this is key.
You will be the only one who actually wants to get to know him and help him, if only because you feel like nobody else is doing it, and you know that you definitely wouldn't want to feel lonely like that, in a school full of flockmates you've never met before.
Then one day you will notice that he's changed. Master Syr really got through to him somehow. Now he acts more like a functioning flockmate. He shares his food and follows the schedules properly. And he talks. And now that he talks, you realize that he's actually brilliant. He rarely ever makes mistakes during training. He memorizes all the signals after only practicing them once. It feels like he can read a bird's mind just by looking at them.
If you are paying attention to the way Syr treats him, you might just notice that Syr sees all these things in him, too. And you might be a little envious of his friendship with Syr. It's fine, though. Don't let that bother you too much. You'll learn more about that shortly.
By asking the right questions at the right times, you will learn th at this little bird already belongs to a team. You will learn that this is all just an extension of his civility training. You will learn that Team Ember, that new team that Scythe is tutoring, paid a hefty sum to have him trained. You will infer, based on this information, that he was a wild bird who imprinted upon Char. Now it will make total sense why Syr has taken a personal liking to him. It's common knowledge that Syr came from the wild.
At first you won't know what to think of this, but give it time. You'll start to find this bird frightening and mysterious. Then you will start to look up to him. You will feel immen sely thankful that you decided to befriend this bird when you did, like you snagged up an opportunity that only one bird was going to will feel blessed, almost, that this uncommonly intelligent and interesting bird has chosen you as a companion.
You will roost with him and talk with him and eventually you'll begin to understand how this bird's mind works. You'll start to realize that even though he's trying very hard to fit in with a flock, there's still a lot of social concepts he doesn't understand. He is very dry and analytical and sees everything in terms of rules, even including other birds. Whereas most birds see one another in terms of personality, He only sees patterns of behavior. The same way you'd study the behaviors of the ferals in the wild. That's the same way he sees everyone.
You'll start to realize there's nothing really wrong with this. Because even though he lacks empathy, he makes up for it by noticing patterns that nobody else notices. But maybe he still needs help with the empathy part. Maybe he just needs a companion like you to be his guide sometimes.
You realize this little bird named Otto is a perfectionist. You will realize that unlike all the other perfectionist birds you know, including yourself, he actually has what it takes. He is patient, he is precise, he is fearless. He knows what he wants. You will be shocked at how easily he can beat Archer in a dogfight, or Glint in a race. And you will be absolutely humiliatd at how easy he beats youo. But through the shame, you will feel stronger.
You might start to notice how many other birds are getting jealous of his skill and are trying vv ery hard not to say anything. Incidentally, you'll really start to notice how this bird, despite making so many changes to fit in, really doesn't have any friends yet. And that will make you feel bad.
Because of your curiosity to know what civility training is like, you will ask some more questions, which will lead to you learning that he once broke into the daycare's storage and ate approximately twelve gazillion gummis. You might think to ask him how a little bird could eat so many gummis at once without exploding, in which case he will confess to you that he was only caught once. He will confess that before he was caught, he regularly raided storage every day, sometimes more than once, and ate their gummis. He will tell you how he got away with this for weeks before anyone noticed.
You begin to wonder if these gummis actually had any effect on his IQ, or if he was already smart to begin with. But you will probably decide that's a silly question and you won't ask it.
So far, everything's going fine. But this is when your first major blunder could happen. One day at evening meal, you'll be tempted to offhandedly ask him why he considers you a friend.
DO NOT ASK THIS. Keep it to yourself. It might seem simple and harmless a question, but it's really a stupid question, born from your own insecurity. Because if you ask this question, Otto will give you his simple and objective answer. And you will immedaitley regret asking, because his answer will make you feel terrified and confused for days.
You will learn that Otto looks up to you and considers you the superior bird.
If this happens, you could come up with some kind of simple platitude to tell him. Like "Aww, I'm flattered, thank you." This will buy you time to fly away to stew privately in your confusion. The cubby hole next to Team Scepter's base on the second floor is a good place to brood for a while. Otto won't think to look there.
You will ruffle your feathers and try to preen away the panic you now feel. You will ask yourself how a bird like Otto, so blatantly out of your league, considers you superior to him. You try to calm yourself and work out your options. You could ask him why he thinks this, but you fear an even scarier answer. You could potentially tell him that he's wrong, or showing him that he's wrong. and risk disillusioning him and maybe losing his friendship. Or you could try to pass it off as an empty compliment. But you know Otto. He doesn't give empty compliments. He means every word he says.
Now if you made it THIS far and managed to make all these mistakes the exact same way that I did, the BEST route here is to realize that it's actually not all that bad, that Otto doesn't always understand the implications of everything he says, and this was just his way of expressing respect. Maybe you are superior to him in some ways and he knows and respects that. Like with socializing for instance. Maybe he looks up to you because he's learning social skills from you.
I don't know. Look. You have a lot of options about how to digest this information. But somehow, chances are you'll decide upon the worst possible option: You'll try to be the bird that Otto thinks you are. You will tell yourself this is the most painless route to fly. To just go with the flow.
But trust me, it isn't painless. You go that route and you'll discover yourself with a heavy weight on your wings whenever you're around him. You'll feel like you need to live up to impossible standards every day if you wish to keep Otto's friendship. You'll be terrified of anything less than perfect marks on your course laps and your signal exams, and you'll keep perfect posture if he's even just in the same room.
Nevermind that this pressure will actually make you perform better as a student. Nevermind that it'll drive you to graduate at the top of your wing. Nevermind that this is the reason you'll later get accepted onto Team Ember, the reason you get Otto's recommendation, the reason you impress a really awesome Talonflame into vouching for you.
It's not worth it. Not like this. It's better to just
I don't know what's better. I'm not you anymore. Do what you think is best. That isn't the biggest thing I need to warn you about. I'm getting to that soon.
Anyway. One day Otto will leave. He won't warn anyone and won't say where he's going. He'll just be gone. If you think to ask Syr about it, which might not happen until many days later, you might learn that he's settled in with his proper team. When you find this out, you'll realize it makes a lot of sense and You'll be happy for him.
At first, it will seem easy to get over it. You can tell yourself that Otto was a strange little temporary diversion on your career path. You'll focus on your advancement tests and give some of your other flockmates a bit of attention. You'll realize you haven't spoken to Quil or Nimbus in Weeks and you'll have some fun catching up with them at the afternoon pickings. (Though, do try to give them more attention if you can. They deserve it.)
You will tell yourself everything is fine. You might even start planning your evolution. You will occasionally remember Otto and his eccentricities, but you'll know he's okay because he's got Tallie as a flockmate now, and from everything you've heard about Tallie, you'll know that Otto is in good company. You'll tell yourself he doesn't need you anymore. You'll tell yourself maybe he never really did.
And if you want to keep thinking that, make sure you don't read the newspapers during the fourth week of autumn. Because if you do, you'll find out that Team Ember is looking for new recruits. And that will get a thought lodged into your mind like a stupid stubborn pinfeather that won't go anywhere.
What if. What if.
What if you miss Otto more than you realize. What if you could be his teammate again. What if you could actually graduate onto Team Ember.
Let me tell you. Once you get these thoughts in your mind, they aren't coming out. You already know the answer. You know that even though Tallie probably won't find you worthy of her team, you're sure as rain gooing to try.
Now, listen. Your first instincti will be to press forward and drive yourself mad. But...You don't actually have to beat yourself up over it. You don't have to bring Char perfect marks. Because, it turns out, he's going to hire almost all of the recruits who showed up to interviews. So just make it to the interview and you're in. It's that easy.
But with good news comes some bad news. And here's the part that starts to make things really complicated.
While you're applying for Team Ember, they're going to be working on some kind of a mission. Something involving catching a bandit. You won't think anything of it at first. Because hey, this is team Ember we're talking about. Scythe taught them so they must be among the best.
Then you find out Otto died on the mission.
Then you find out he didn't die. He evolved.
Finding out those two thinngs, what is your first impression? Extreme relief and happiness, right? You'll just want to say, Wow, Otto, Congrats. Congrats on the successful mission, congrats on the new body, and congrats on NOT DYING because holy lords above, I was just about to drop to the floor and yank al off my feathers out when I heard that. I'm so glad you're still here and you're not dead! I'm glad we're on the team gotether. We'll make a great team! Let's go on this practice mission and totally show everyone how its done! Maybe you can show off to Tallie too. Don't pretend you don't have a crush on Tallie. No sane bird wouldn't have a crush on Tallie. LOOK AT HER. Look at her performance record. Ten stars. She obviously has perfect IVs. And she's so ambitious and competent. And she obviously respects you and you're closest to her, so if anyone has a ch
Oh, right. You haven't evem met TAllie yet. You have no idea what I'm talking about.
Where was I ?
Relief and happiness. Otto is alive. It's almost the happiest day of your life.
Which is why it will catch you so off-guard when you find out that Otto is just as devastated as you THOUGHT you were going to be if he died. He's completely dead inside. Trampled. Hopeless. And at first you're going to think, am I missing something? What is this? You should be overjoyed! This is incredible!
But you don't want to assume that. Be a good friend and ask him what's wrong. And like he always does, he'll give you his blunt and objective answer.
He will tell yout hat because he didn't evolve on purpose, he missed the transitioning theropy. And now he feels like he cannot control his body anympre.
Can't really be that bad, you think. You try to cheer him up. Pidgey evolve in the wild all hte time without the theorpy.! And what about whben before it was dinventeslxck?
But he's just having none of it. He won't shut up about hyow he can't fly and how he can;'t think and how his talons don't move the weoai ssdk fwen vAnymore.
And you. You won't believe him.
You. Stupid. Bird. Won't/ Believe. Him.
He's your friend adn you won't believe him. you try topull him out of it.
TALONS. S.
talons.
behavie.
]
Anyway.
Brace the Pidgey. Listen to me and listen closely. Because this is where everything goes wrong.
horribly.
So. You're so sure of yourself that Otto is overreacting and that his problem isn't so bad. And you want to be a good friend to him. The best friend possible. So you start thinking to yourself.
How can I be the BEST possbile friend to Otto in his greatest time of need?
How I can do something special for him, something that no ordinary friend would ever think to do? Something befitting of the incredible flockmate he's always been?
And you will get an idea. And you will be SO PROUD of this idea that you know without hesitation that's what your'e doing.
You're going to make an intentional mistake.
The moment you think of that, you will already hear Otto speaking in your head. "What is an intentional mistake? Those are contradictory words. There can be no such thing, because a mistake implies an unintended result. It is an oxymoron."
But for the sake of argument, you can start thinking of a witty comeback ahead of time. You know there is one. You're smart. Not as smart as Otto but smart enough to fly at his side. So toss definitions around in your head until one fits, until you can find one that even Otto would agree with.
Your first thought might be: An intentional risk? No. There's some overlap there. But still inaccurate. A calculated risk means accepting the possible negative outcome (which is certainly true of an intentional mistake) while still seeking the positive outcome.
This and a few others will bounce around in your head until you will find one that will fit. And it will be this one:
INTENTINAL MISTAKE: "The purposeful invocation of a failure state with the intent to studiy it, i.e., for the benefit of those who might invoke it accidentally."
You'll be very proud of coming up with that comeback. You'll think it's absolutely perfect.
You'll be so preoccupied with your plan, AND with that comeback, that golden Otto-worthy definition, that you'll forget something very important.
You'll forget that an intentional mistake is still a mistake. And hurts just as bad.
But you won't realize that. You'll figure that going into the bad outcome KNOWINGLY would offer an advantage, namely, the opportunity to muster enough willpower to brave the storym. You will have faith in your willpower. Even though you don't know what you're getting into, you will convince yourself that your brute determination will carry you. If not all the way, then at least some of the way.
You will be SO CERTAIN of your plan. You might expect a little regret, but you will believe that everythign will turn out fine if you want this badly enough. and if you're a good enough friend.
How bad could it really be?
You fool.
YOU FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
There's no going back now. You're going to make the intentional mistake.
You're going to evolve. Without the transition therapy. just like Otto. Just so you can go up to him and say "Hey Otto. I'm such a good friend that I'm going to suffer with you. Now you're not alone anymore. Together, we can find a way to cirvumvent and overcome the consequences doubly as effective."
And as soon as the evolution is done. You're going to open your eyes and wake up. And.
Oh. Lugia.
It will be so bad.
It will be so bad that you will not have the words to describe. So bad
that you won't even be rewarded with the tiniest sideways notion of "maybe I can work with this" or "it's not actually as bad as I was expecting" or "this is awful but at least it has some advantages!"
Yeah. No. You make this mistake, and you will feel nothing but pure, distilled resentment and regret for all the life's choices that led here.
You will realize that doing this is was as smart as telling someone "Look at me! I'm going to faceplant into a stone wall. But it won't hurt. Why? Because ?I'm going to do it intentionally."
You will realize that there was only ever one proper comeback to Otto. And that comeback is: "Yes, Otto. I know. I've really put the MORON into oxymoron this time. Please, do keep rubbing it in. I deserve it."
Your wings are twisted on backwards.
Your right wing feels three times as long as your left.
Your head is flying circles why ile syou dstandi on the ground.
You move one talon and your wing moves instead.
You cannot sleep because your eyes will not stay closed on their own.
You can not grab food with your talons because tghey will be wlks water.s
YOU WILL SMELL COLORS AND TASTE SOUNDS.
You will TASTE your FEET.
You will think. What have I done.
What have I done.
What have I done.
AND there will be headaches.
AND there will be cramps.
AND there will be disassociative spells.
But there will be one, but one, upside to this.
You finally understand what Otto is going through. You finally get just how bad it is. You finally get just how much help and support Otto needs to go through this process.
You will cling to that thought. That one thought.
Otto. I did this for him.
He deserved this support. He deserves to have someone at his side who truly understands.
And now I truly understand.
I. Truly.
Understand.
You will repeat this to yourself. For hours and hours. Until Otto returns from visiting Syr.
You will cling to this one thought as a raptor clings to a Skwovet.
I did this for him.
It's worth it.
I did this for him.
Now we can learn together.
We can suffer together.
We can grow together.
We can triumph. As Pidgeotto. Together.
You find your cannot speak without sluuring and cawwwing your words out. Hard to speak without being able to
speak.
So you will think to write a letter to Otto instead. Write a letter to him explaining why you did this awful atrocious mistake. And wait for him to return.
You will anticipation Otto's reaction. Imagine how heartwarmed he will be to know that you care about him so much so as to cascricifice your own sanity to fly with him.
And you know what? All this, ALL of this, isn't so bad as what happens next. You could have lived with it. Everything. The broken body and mind. If you had your flockmate's support. The flockmate you sacrificed everything for.
But that flockmate, that precious friend, will be furious with you and with what you've done. He will tell you how reckless this decision was. Which you already know. He will tell you how this was the worst possible decision you could have made. Which you know. He will tell you that you could have been more help to him, and his evolution adjustment, as a properly-evolved Pidgeotto. WHICH YOU KNOW BY NOW.
He will be upset. He will be distant. He will be devastated. He will do everything BUT acklowledge this as the special gesture of solidarity and thoughtfulness you intended.
Of course, you won't be able to reply except for awkward squawks and gestures that don't look right. He will leave you confused, regretful, and HEARTBROKEN.
You will realize the true gravity of the mistake you've made. You will feel hopeless. You will want to tear all of your feathers out one by one, but realize you can't even do that anymore, because your beak won't do what you want it to do.
Why, you will ask. Why was Otto so heartless? Why is he SO ANGRY at me for this? Wow, he really has no empathy at all, you might tell yourself.
Maybe you can forgive him because you know he's suffering just as much as you. But you hurt too much to forgive him. So you just flop down and lay there in your room, sobbing.
Even this was unlike Otto, you will realize.
You will latch onto this idea. You will realize that something about this doesn't add up.
This will keep you awake at night. And I mean IN ADDITION to the headaches and cramps and disorientation.
You will use your factured mind and scattered thoughts to analyze Otto's behavior. You will realize that the Otto you knew, even the maladapted Pidgeotto he's become, wouldn't have treated you like this. It's too cruel.
You will realize he's hiding something.
Team Ember will give you the next day off work to adjust to the evolution. You will use this opportunity to beg Otto for forgiveness.
You will beg and beg and beg.
Of course, you cannot speak more than one coherent word at a time yet. So you will just squawk awkwardly at him in a way that vaguely sounds like "Please. Please. Please."
"Please," you will say to him. Over and over. Following him into his room. Ignoring his obvious annoyance. Getting in his face.
"Please," you will say. "Otto. Please. Help."
Otto will instruct you to go to Syr for help. He says that he cannot do anything for you. And he will leave.
Don't give up, though. You won't have any of it.
Follow him down the hall. "Please." Follow him to the cafetiria. "Please."
You know something is wrong. So don't relent. Don't relent until you get your precious friend to tell you the truth.
You only want one thing in the world. You want your friend. You just want him. You will squawk for days and for nights and days again, just to have your friend back.
"Please, Otto!"
Listen, Brace the Pidgey. Er. Brace the Pidgeotto, you are now. DO NOT RELENT. Keep up your nagging.
Because if you're extremely persistent, and I mean EXTREMELY, he will break down and tell you the truth onthe fourth day.
He will tell you the real reason he is frustrated and disappointed with you.
He will tell you that he cannot accompany you on your recovery, because he is planning to leave with Char, Saura, and Ray, possibly never to return.
He will tell you that YOU were supposed to replace him on Team Ember. You were supposed to fill the void on the flock that he was going to leave. Worse, he will tell you that he is breaking Char's trust by telling this to you, because he promised not to tell this to anyone. But he only told you because he appreciates you as a flockmate and he felt very bad for what happened.
He will tell you that he appreciates the sentiment behind the gesture, but that the circumstances were just so unfortunate that he was overcome with frustration.
He apologizes for how cold he treated you. He apologizes for my misfortunate mistake. He laments that while the mistake might have been intentional, the misfortune was not.
You will feel so relieved.
You will feel so happy.
You will feel so so so wonderful that even in your awful new body which barely functions the way it should, you have your friend, you understand him, and he understands you.
You will cuddle him. For a moment, you will forget your problems. You will feel fine.
You will barely even notice that Otto has his wing around you and he is crying too.
Then when you start to feel like you're healing from all the hurt. He will say something to you that only the best friend in the world would say.
He will say, "I now understand the challenge. We both must help one another adapt to these bodies. Because if I cannot adapt, then I am not fit to go with Char in the first place. Therefore... if I cannot help you to a full recovery in time for the journey, then I will not go. I will stay here with you."
So... yeah. Brace the Pidgey, Otto is an incredible friend every which way. So be faithful to him, be his flockmate, and he won't ever let you down. And while your little "intentionsal" mistake didn't end up as bad as it could have been, I'm sure you'll find much, much better ways to work around this terrible blunder you've gone and caused.
OH! OH!
I GET IT
I GET IT!
I get the point of writing a letter to yourself! I just now realized.
Now that I've caught up to the present, now I'm not writing a letter to you anymore. I'm writing it to me.
Well. I always was writing it to me. But now I'm writing it directly to myself. So it's really not about going back in time and wishing you'd done something different. Now it's about making the most of where you are now.
Okay. So.
Brace the Pidgeotto. Listen. This is important.
Keep practicing your writing. You're getting better. Just go slow and focus. Soon you'll get back to writing whole reports without a single mistake.
Keep practicing your laps. You only hit the wall fifteen times last sesson. Soon you'll be back into the single digits!
Keep doing your calisthenics. Every day. Every night. And after every meal. You will get your wings and your legs to obey you again. Eventually. Otto's already getting better and you will too.
And definitely always. Every chance. Every opportunity.
Thank Otto for being the best flockmate a bird could ever want.
Hunter hasn't even announced his plan yet. You've got time.
You got this. You both do.
Keep it up.
I believe in you.
AND PLEASE
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ARCEUS
Before you decide to do something stupid, try asking someone else how stupid they think it is first. You might save yourself a lot of pain and heartache.
Trust me.